YOU HAVEN'T SEEN: Casablanca

People get angry when they find out I haven't seen their favorite, classic, essential-addition-to-the-pop-cultural-cannon film. Really angry. So I made a list, and am working my way through. Join me as I watch your favorite movie for the first time. 

Edit: This was originally posted in October of 2015!

Thoughts and Discoveries Upon Watching the CASABLANCA for the First Time as an Adult:

There's an opening credit for "Gowns"!! This gives me high hopes for the pageantry!! There are not enough gowns in the world!!

They're really bending over backwards here to talk about how badly everyone wants to get out of Casablanca and how horribly stranded they all are, but then they make it look like a delightful Gatsby-meets-Moroccan-France party. Pick a lane you guys.


When all these people went to Casblanca to try and flee Nazi occupation, were they like "We must flee! Quickly! In the night! Pack my most beautiful dresses and hats, I must look fly as hell!"

I think I'm a bit too blindly loyal and ‪#‎rideordie‬ to all forlorn women. When the lovely despondent lady in the sparkly jacket was all "Why don't you love me anymore, Humphrey Bogart?!?!" and he was like "Get her a cab, she's had too much and see that she makes it home" -- was that supposed to make us like him? I wasn't impressed with his character's responsibility, I was like "YOU DIDN'T ANSWER THE LADY'S QUESTION, BOGEY"

This whole thing is a bit too Nazi-friendly. Everyone's just cool with the fact that the Nazis are OCCUPYING everything and ordering "champagne cocktails" with them?

Okay so turns out there are in fact underground movements and MOST people aren't cool with the Nazis, but tonally it definitely feels like the Senior Nazis are bad but the more Junior Nazis are chill guys everyone likes to invite to the party. Not cool. And Bogart just looks mildly disdainful towards them, which doesn't even count because he looks mildly disdainful towards EVERYTHING.


Okay, so Bergman's Czech husband is a concentration camp survivor, war hero, her true love from childhood, super handsome, and the ONLY person who is actually not cool with accepting drinks from Nazis. AND he selflessly offers to let her flee back to America without him! Alternatively, Bogart is a kind of handsome grumpy guy with good entrepreneurial business sense. Am I in any way supposed to be rooting for Bogart? I am not. Czech husband + Ingrid = OTP.

This shop owner cuts the price of lace down by 80% when he finds out Ingrid knows Bogey. Humphrey Bogart: Do not hope he gets the girl, would love to go shopping with.

"Here's looking at you, kid" is from Casablanca!!

WAIT, they met in Paris. Is "We'll always have Paris" coming up too??

[And then we had to pause it because it was getting late, ending TBD!!]

Characters so far:

Bogey: MEH
Ingrid: QUEEN
Czech Husband: HERO
Everyone else: Cool outfits, poor decisions

[Unpaused. Ready for the last 1/4!]

Ingrid looks fly in this conquistador-themed blouse and cummerbund.

Pretty sweet Bulgarian girl!! Why are you crying? I want to hold you in my arms and make the world a better place for you!!

NOOOOO. Renault makes women sleep with him to ensure safe passage?!? FEMINIST ROAR.

Czech husband is having them play the French song to drown out the Nazi song and I am sure this has sealed his fate. Drowning out a Nazi song is heroic and all, but I'd rather he lay low for a second and then escape and then actually defeat Nazis. This is a prime example of winning a battle and losing a war. Priorities, Czech husband!

This is like Pete's Dueling Piano Bar when they go back and forth accepting tips to play rival college fight songs.

"I go any way the wind goes." Again, the whole a-political non-partisan stance is only noble when the wind isn't blowing you TOWARDS NAZIS. Not okay.

NO CZECH HUSBAND. For future reference, if your devastatingly beautiful and noble wife asks you to stay home from any kind of night-time underground controversial meeting, DO NOT GO. Ingrid Bergman and Portia and Eliza Schuyler have taught us this!


"What, is keeping your Nazi fighting war hero alive for the cause that important?" - Humphrey Bogart, man with the least amount of context EVER

I wanted her to shoot him.

Is Bogey supposed to be a Snape-like character, in that you hate him but at the end he's like "Always" and you're like "OMG WHAT?" and cry because he was misunderstood? I just hate him.

The thing is that ladies don't like brooding guys who want to punish them after the breakup. If Bogey had played it like "Take these visas, go with your Czech husband, the cause is more important!" She'd be all "Omg he was so mature, maybe I made a mistake and should be with him." That advice is for free, menfolk. Imitate the behaviors of a kind, mature person and then she'll think dumping you was a mistake. Under no circumstances should you deny your ex girlfriend a life-saving visa. Feel like that last part should go without saying.

I wish you didn't love him so much too, Ingrid.

Okay so there's a big evil plan and Bogey is the worst.

Okay so the big evil plan was a double-plan and Bogey is actually good.‪#‎snape‬

Ingrid could look a little less upset with the idea of getting on a plane to go to America WITH HER NOBLE AND GOOD HUSBAND.

"We'll always have Paris!" IS from Casablanca!

It's too foggy. Czech husband is going to be shot through the fog!

Alright fine, we'll let rapey Captain Renault have his heroic moment. Gross.

I don't think I took a breath till that plane was actually in the air. BIG CZECH SIGH OF RELIEF.

Oh good, Captain Renault throws away Nazi water bottles, BIG HEROIC STANCE LOUIE.

"I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship" is from Casablanca TOO!!!!

In Conclusion: What a wonderful film, the last 10 minutes are the most incredible, Ingrid is my queen, would prefer if everyone could have been a little more confidently anti-Nazi, Bogart is whatever.